Axe Cop and Dinosaur Soldier

Axe Cop and Dinosaur Soldier

Friday, July 24, 2015

Don't tell me to smile (and other feminist complaints)

Dear Hannah,

I've never really had trouble smiling, but I imagine that if the situation between the genders were reversed, and men were suddenly being asked by women to smile, that men would think of something much more interesting to say than that it was because of the matriarchy.  I imagine, being a man (and thus drawn far more frequently to practical solutions), that many of us might answer that we would already be smiling -- if only the woman who was asking was more attractive.

Thursday, July 23, 2015

How to ruin your homeschooled child

Dear Hannah,

Something that's given me an almost endless source of amusement is the public's response to an essay I wrote about homeschoolers, mostly because they said I have no idea what I'm talking about.  Of course, anyone who knows me knows I do know what I'm talking about, and I know what I'm talking about because I was schooled at home -- all the way through tenth grade, when my parents realized that homeschooling wasn't good for me anymore.

Thursday, July 9, 2015

How to tell if God is trying to kill you

Dear Hannah,

It should seem strange to anyone who reads the Bible that after all the talk about God judging the nations, Evangelicals think they know how He's going to do it.  The truth is that they don't; and I know this because I've tried to get judgment down to a science, and the only thing I've ever been able to conclude is that, if we're going by Biblical standards, God should have drowned all the Evangelicals in a very strange series of very localized floods*.

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

"If necessary, use words" and other nonsense

Dear Hannah,

You may have heard people say by this point "preach the Gospel.  If necessary, use words."  It may be safely translated, stop preaching.  I've never heard it used in any other context than to get people to stop preaching, and it is used because people believe preaching is less important than doing things.  But if you've been paying any attention, you'll notice that the person who quotes this happens to be speaking, and he happens to be speaking a Christian lesson for the purpose of influencing your thoughts and behavior.  In other words, what you're hearing is a sermon.  I believe it may be fairly asked, at this point, why the person who's speaking instead of keeping his mouth shut isn't keeping his own advice.  It may be because speaking is a better vehicle for ideas than silence.

Monday, June 29, 2015

The most difficult thing about being a Catholic

Dear Hannah,

Throughout my life I've heard many people say I don't know what it feels like to be black in America.  Aside from the fact that nobody has ever proposed the opposite, that black people have no idea how it feels to be white in America, what I have never heard anyone say is that I don't know how it feels to be Catholic.  I admit I don't know how it feels to be Catholic because I am not a Catholic; but I imagine that if I was, right now would be a difficult time to be one.  And this is because you never really can be too sure what Papa Francesco is going to say next.

Sunday, June 28, 2015

Speak now, or forever hold your peace

Dear Hannah,

Although I've witnessed several horrible marriages in my lifetime, there was really only one time I ever felt forced to attend a wedding, and it involved a woman I very much adore marrying a man I never fully trusted.  I spoke at the wedding, and did a damn good job at it.  I even bought a gift for this couple despite the fact that I knew he'd ruin everything and I'd be out a good chunk of money.  At the very best the wedding cost me my dignity and my money; at the very worst it caused the poor bride a broken heart and a divorce.  And there was nothing any of us could do, shy of shoving her fiancĂ©e off a cliff, to stop it.

Saturday, June 27, 2015

A defense of police brutality in general

Dear Hannah,

If you ever happen to watch Game of Thrones, you'll get to know a character named Stannis Baratheon. What's most interesting about Stannis is that he's been burning innocents to death since his appearance in the first season; but if you hadn't seen the show, the popular media might have convinced you that he burnt his first victim in season five. And the reason nobody has said anything about it is because until this point, with the exception of Mance Rayder, he had only burnt people nobody had really been too acquainted with. Which is interesting because the outcry nearly exactly parallels the Democratic Party's position on killing children.

Friday, June 19, 2015

If God is dead, then God's Not Dead killed Him: a very late film review

Dear Hannah,

Imagine, for a moment, that a society of Elvis fans pooled together a bunch of money and decided to prove that Elvis was alive.  And so they got a lot of marketers and Kevin Sorbo and all their finest arguments for Elvis's current existence, and put them all together for a film imaginatively called Elvis is not Dead.

Wednesday, June 3, 2015

Thoughts on Gay Pride Month

Dear Hannah,

This morning I was informed that we've stumbled into a month of gay pride, which led me to ask a lot of uncomfortable questions about the sanity of the American public.  I asked -- for instance -- whether there might be any really good reason why Memorial Day was a memorial for only a day, and whether there might be any really good reason why men having sex with men is more important than my great uncle Bob*, who was killed fighting the Japanese in the Pacific.  And the answer, so far as I can tell, is that my great uncle Bob only died trying to protect us from invasion.   Or in other words, he was only in the Army.  He did not sing In The Navy.

Saturday, May 30, 2015

Amy Schumer, champion of feminine jealousy

Dear Hannah,

One of the great tragedies of the modern era is that the people who are supposed to be championing the advancement of women know the least about the possibilities of womankind.  It doesn't help that the champions are women; and it doesn't help because if there is anything degrading to the intelligence of women, it is bands of women demanding ridiculous things of men.  In marriage, we call this sort of thing nagging.  In the world of socio-political philosophy, we call it feminism.

Sunday, May 24, 2015

How to fake the presence of God

Dear Hannah,

I should probably preface this letter by admitting I'm not one of those people who says that all religions are saying the same thing.  I'm also not one of those people who says that all religions have nothing in common.  To say that Judaism and Christianity and Islam and Buddhism all teach similar messages is fair; almost as fair as saying that their messages are just different enough to cause serious problems between them.  A Catholic might say the Devil isn't only in the details, but that he's purposely muddled them.  A Calvinist might say God willed the Devil to muddle them.  A Muslim might feel theologically comfortable agreeing with the Calvinist (which is why he says things like en'shallah); culturally, many of them might feel more comfortable blaming a Jew (which is why Jews don't want Arabs to get nukes).

Saturday, May 16, 2015

To love being American (classic essay)

Dear Hannah,

Being an American is a messy business.  Nobody watches the mediocre or the boring; the whole world has better things to do than sing about Scotland, and none of the African states are very interesting unless they're on fire.  It seems that the more power and prestige a nation has, the more attention it gets, and even the worst of nations at least is forgotten from time to time unless you're living in it, or it happens to be disrupting the price of oil.  The greater something is, the more it inspires our admiration and invites our censure; and if we may be certain about two things, it is that great power produces great corruptions, and that men have always been envious of power.  And therefore, whether one lives within or without a great nation, we are frequently more likely to hear complaints rather than praise.

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

Should women be allowed to drink?

Dear Hannah,

In an age of social liberalism, you can expect to see many things become legal. One thing that hasn't become legal and that almost nobody has considered legalizing is childhood drinking.  And the reason nobody has really suggested it is obvious: because each and every one of us knows that children are idiots.

Monday, May 4, 2015

Summoning the Prince of Darkness

Dear Hannah,

When I was young, my mom always advised me to never summon Satan if I think he's nearby, because she was worried he might show up.  And so, naturally, I did what every young boy would do when asked to avoid doing something stupid, and I asked him to show himself anyway.  I sometimes asked timidly, and other times with a manly defiance -- but I always asked.  I never really felt like there was anything to lose.  If Satan is in your room, you might as well know he's there for sure; just as it's much better to know if he isn't.  It's the sitting around and wondering that ruins a child's sleep.

Wednesday, April 29, 2015

In defense of an openly-racist magazine

Dear Hannah,

One nearly universal fact of human nature is that if you tell people not to read something, they'll begin to want to read it.  Another fact of human nature is that if a man begins to feel like something's been hidden from him by the "good guys," he'll begin to want to listen to what the bad guys have to say.  The unfortunate but expectable result of these is that if you have a kid spend his childhood watching movies with anti-racist themes (the ones where whites are racists, naturally), and send him to a leftist college, and he hears little-to-nothing in the media about any atrocities committed by anyone but white people, and then suddenly encounters a horrible website like American Renaissance, he might find it extremely interesting.

Living in the age of autism

Dear Hannah,

Learning is a difficult process -- not just for autistic kids: for me.  For instance, there are certain things a man should know the second time through them; certain signs he should begin to look for, to make sure he isn't doing a stupid thing twice.  Sometimes it's more difficult than others.  All your life everyone knows that the people who attract the most derision are the people who can't take a joke.  They're basically begging for it.  So when you meet a man who incessantly misses your meaning and never understands why the heck what you said was funny, you just assume he's the man you're going to be joking about.  Until the day you start realizing that maybe he's a little different -- no; maybe a lot different, and maybe all the times you'd been poking fun at him because you thought he had a stick up his ass, were really all the times you'd been joking with a man who had some kind of a mental disability.

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Two tips to avoid being used by men

Dear Hannah,

So far as I can remember, there are really two kinds of advice: how you should do something you want to do, and whether or not you should do it.  The unfortunate thing about the latter kind is that it's almost completely useless.   I can't even remember the last time I listened to good advice about whether I should do something, and so it makes me a little bit uncomfortable expecting you to do the same -- especially when the advice concerns men.  I even have a difficult time following my own advice: my essay On Happiness was a very good idea, with lots of practical suggestions.  That is, I thought it was practical until these last few months, when I've found myself wanting something outside the recommended prescription.  It turns out that happiness can be doing the right thing; but it is equally getting the right thing -- the thing that we want.  For those of us who are barred, either socially or morally, from getting what we want, it's misery; whatever the happiness people -- or even we ourselves -- have told us.

Sunday, April 19, 2015

So you say you hate the Puritans

Dear Hannah,

Despite the fact that Oliver Cromwell was vastly superior to Charles I, I have yet to hear anyone praise Cromwell for deposing and killing him.  There have been many reasonable objections to his killing of Charles, chief among them being that Charles's death immediately led to the instant popularity and eventual kingship of Charles II -- historically one of the most profligate and useless kings that England ever saw.  But people are more likely to complain about Cromwell and the Puritans and unfairly loathe them, despite the fact that Cromwell ruled more honestly and rightly than both his predecessor and his successor; King Charles I is almost forgotten in America, despite his unhappy tendency to mangle and murder his subjects.  And the reason we hate the better man and forget the worse is simple.  Charles I offended the constitutional liberties of Englishmen; the Puritans tried to get rid of dancing on Sundays.

Sunday, April 12, 2015

Homeschoolers and gay lovers

Dear Hannah,

I heard someone express one time that a good number of Disney/Pixar films were aimed at getting children to come out of the closet.  I'm not so certain, after considering not only the number of gay people employed by Pixar, but the overwhelming theme of their films, that this person was being completely paranoid.

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Insanity in Indiana

Dear Hannah,

Due to a recent law protecting the rights of Indiana's business-owners, in what has got to be the bravest political move in Seattle history, our mayor has finally decided to stop funding the extremely large number of city employee trips to Indiana.  This has left us wondering what he's going to do next.  If he's going to equal the heroism of this current measure, will he stop all our city-funded flights to Pakistan, in support of women's rights?  Or maybe to Egypt, in support of the Coptic Christians suffering there?  Like the size of our mayor's heart and cajones, the limits are endless. 

Saturday, March 28, 2015

A trip to hell and back

Dear Hannah,

Last night I dreamed I ate a poisonous flower with a hundred soft white petals.  Everyone was doing it, so it seemed reasonable to go along with them.  And our reasoning for eating it was simple: we were all going to die anyway -- everyone dies, you know -- and this was the easiest way to get it over with.  And so I did it.

Friday, March 20, 2015

How to celebrate International Women's Day

Dear Hannah,

Of all the classes I took in college, English 201 and Health stand out the most.  And I think the reason is because in English 201 we spent nearly all our time trying to misunderstand the English language, and in health class we spent nearly all our time trying not to catch venereal diseases.

Thursday, March 19, 2015

Tyler Durden

Dear Hannah,

Right after Fight Club came out on DVD, my friends and I used to get high on all kinds of things and throw punches on the streets of Italy.  We had rules, because we were too sensible to get hurt too badly: no punches to the face, and nothing below the belt.  If someone wanted out, we let him.  I don't remember anyone fighting any girls, which would have been embarrassing for both parties, whether the man won or lost.  But the point of the matter was that however ridiculous Fight Club looks now, it had an impact on nearly every young man who saw it.  I saw it with nerds who ranted and raved about it in between matches of Starcraft; I pretended it with punks and stoners who acted it under the influence of ecstasy and cocaine.  Nobody who admired the film -- from the jocks to the preps to the band kids -- was like Tyler Durden.  Everyone, on some level, wanted to be like him.

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

Some thoughts on The Black Eyed Peas

Dear Hannah,

You're probably already aware of this, but ever since the 1970's at the very earliest, popular culture has run in 20-year cycles.  I'm now old enough to have consciously experienced three of them. Nobody in the 1960's was interested in the 1940's, but in the 1980's, everyone was excited about the 60's.  In in the 2000's, which is the cultural revival I experienced the most personally, everyone went wild for the 80's.  A period of twenty years gives something exactly enough time to be unpopular; just enough unpopularity to mean that none of the kids will have heard it, and exactly enough time to remind 30 year-olds about the times they used to be interesting -- a perfect recipe for a band to go on an embarrassing reunion tour.  In ten years everyone will go wild for the 2000's, which means I should probably get ahead of them and try to start explaining The Black Eyed Peas.  I can't do anything to explain emo.  Aside from a few isolated hits, the whole of it was garbage.  In certain ways, emo was characteristic of my generation.  To my knowledge, it marked the first time in history that an entire genre was comprised of and defined by an excess of bitching.

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

All romance is tragic

Dear Hannah,

In my last letter I told you that I was born with a certain set of inclinations.  What I didn't tell you is that not all of them have changed.  When I was about sixteen years old, I stopped dreaming about war.  My dreams about romance, on the other hand, seem to have gotten much more frequent, and far more complex.  Honestly, I would have preferred it the other way around. 

Monday, March 2, 2015

Concerning war and women

Dear Hannah,

When I was a young boy, there were really two things that occupied my mind for the majority of the day.  The first was war, and the second was women.  Depending on the day, their priority might have been reversed.

Saturday, February 21, 2015

How to tell if you're in a relationship

Dear Hannah,

Since it might seem suspicious if you keep hearing about the good things I dream, but none of the bad things I do, it might be wise to throw in a confession every now and then, so you can know you're dealing with a real person.  So here it is: my confession.

Thursday, February 19, 2015

Why papa is vain

Dear Hannah,

One of the great difficulties of publishing my thoughts has been that some people have called me arrogant.  I actually had two people say I was full of myself within the same week -- a horrible week.  It's always good to hear someone call you out on your faults, especially when there might be an inkling of truth to it; it's better than going your whole life being a self-absorbed ass and everyone thinking it except yourself.  In this sense, we can learn more from our enemies than our friends.  They'll sometimes tell us things that our friends won't, because an enemy's happiness doesn't rely on ours.  Even if an insult is undeserved, sometimes it allows us some good reflection, which may result in our improvement of a virtue we already had.  Always listen to your enemies.  They may do you more good than you realize.

Monday, February 16, 2015

A toast to Bill Clinton

Dear Hannah,

I know it sounds strange to say -- and maybe we should keep this a secret from my dad -- but one of the presidents I'm happy to think about is Bill Clinton.  To be completely honest, I don't know much about anything he did as president, because I was too young to be paying attention.  What does make me happy is that he proves to me, on some level, that we have evolved significantly in our ideas about women.

Monday, February 9, 2015

In defense of a beautiful boss

Dear Hannah,

It shouldn't come as any surprise that someone out there writing for The Economist has a problem with the size and looks of our bosses.  Leftists have been waging a war against nearly every personal advantage for years: if they aren't upset because your parents are rich, they'll insult you because your parents are white, or maybe because you have a penis.  In their most unreasonable moments, they might even be upset that you deserve your own job.  It seems only reasonable to expect that sooner or later, they would be complaining that some of our bosses are good-looking, and that they keep themselves in shape. 

Saturday, February 7, 2015

But a white man did it too!

Dear Hannah,

Every time I've seen an article about ISIS lighting a man on fire, I'm reminded about how adorable our modern popes have gotten.  It's almost enough to make you want to pat Papa Francesco on his head. Nearly everyone in the West is well familiar with the Catholic church -- at least, with their burning people alive during the time when they had the most power (which also happens to be the time when they abused their power the most).  The funny thing is that we're reminded of it now, when people who aren't even Catholics are burning people who aren't really heretics; in other words, we bring it up at a time when it isn't really helpful.  Just like we bring up the time when white people used to torch black people before Americans wised up and began persecuting our own murderers.  A smart person might almost be led to believe these experiences would make us more likely to condemn the psychotics; but others, unfortunately, find it more enlightening to relate to them.  It almost makes you wonder whether, if somebody from another race or religion tries to rape any of our girlfriends, we'll end up hearing about great-grandpa Gideon throwing a sack over a mountain woman's head and forcing her to marry him (although I think this was called Seven Brides for Seven Brothers, and Gideon might argue that he was only behaving like Plutarch's account of Romulus).

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

God's orphan

Dear Hannah,

In the world of compliments, I've found you can screw things up in one of two ways.  The first is by giving a compliment that's too unimpressive to be a compliment at all; and the second is to give a compliment that's so impressive, it makes the recipient feel unworthy of it.

Monday, February 2, 2015

Katy Perry

Dear Hannah,

As I watched the Superbowl the other day, I was reminded of something I've always hated to remember: that it isn't nearly as easy to dress an ugly woman up and make her beautiful, as it is to dress a beautiful woman up and make her ugly.

Friday, January 23, 2015

Ayn Rand

Dear Hannah,

If you want a perfect recipe for disaster, try homeschooling a young boy in a military community in a country where he can't speak the language.  If you really want to succeed, do it for the majority of his teenage years.  Homeschooling will isolate him from the majority of children; the military community will snatch nearly everyone he loves from him within two to three years.  Not speaking the language will make him feel a profound and unspeakable disconnection with the overwhelming majority of people he sees.  He'll feel alone, even in the middle of a flourishing Italian suburb.

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

A hasty and general review of Game of Thrones

Dear Hannah,

Since I'm about done with the fourth season, I suppose I owe someone an explanation for having begun to watch Game of Thrones in the first place.  I'd sworn it off for years now, only to prove that I'm not the kind of man who should be swearing anything.  If it wasn't for marriage and business, I wouldn't believe in vows at all.  They work out fine for men like David and Jonathan, who pledged each other their mutual devotion, because their souls were knit together.  But then there's Jepthah, who vowed to sacrifice the first thing that left his front door if he won a war, and then ended up sacrificing his daughter.  Some people think it's sexist that Mosaic Law prohibits women from making vows without their husband's consent, and it may very well be -- perhaps toward men.  The idea that women can express their ecstasies and sorrows in ridiculous vows and not find themselves bound to something which, being made in the heat of the moment, has every ability to ruin their lives later, you would think a greater benefit than an insult (although I can conceive of its being an insult to the intelligence of women).  Both sexes, after all, are capable of being rash.  But enough on Biblical vows and feminism.

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Morris the fraud

Dear Hannah,


Now, I wouldn't consider myself an enemy of Robert Morris, but I'm becoming increasingly uncomfortable with the things that come out of his face.  A short while ago I heard his sermon about speaking in tongues, when he said something I've never heard before in my entire life: that people who begin speaking in tongues aren't immediately fluent in them.

Sunday, January 4, 2015

Concerning the pornography in Game of Thrones

Dear Hannah,

There was really only one reason why I hadn't started watching Game of Thrones until now, and it's the same reason anyone with a healthy amount of decency wouldn't watch it.  It also happens to be the same reason why anyone with a healthy amount of modesty wouldn't tell anyone they've seen it.  The show's full of porn. 

Sunday, December 21, 2014

King Louie

Dear Hannah,

One thing that's come into fashion lately has been people's tendency to mock Disney characters for being "racist."  Nobody questions whether the crows in Dumbo might have been modeled after real musicians of the era, and nobody questions whether there really were (at some point in a bygone era) Indians like the ones in Peter Pan.  Apparently nobody has ever ridden the Washington State ferry system and seen old pictures of actual Indians.  It's almost enough to make you wonder what Millenials think when they go to an Americanized Chinese restaurant.  Is it more racist to call Chinese what they aren't actually, or more racist to call them what they are?  Or is it racist to pretend Chinese people have certain kinds of food at all?  Maybe someday we'll live in a world where all the different races act completely the same way, so that everyone can pretend to be more diverse without any stereotypes.  But I don't see how this could help us find good food.

Monday, December 15, 2014

In defense of the word "thug"

Dear Hannah,

I've lived many places throughout my life, and this one, situated in the South, happens to be one of the worst.  And I say this because, on the right side of me and on the left, I'm neighbored by a racist, and a redneck (respectively).  The latter parks his trucks on the grass and plays his Luke Bryan late into the evening, and enjoys getting into fights with his girlfriend -- who could very possibly be his sister.  The racist, on the other hand, presents a different kind of problem.  He hates everything to do with any race except his own; which is unfortunate for me, because I'm a half-bred Hispanic.  He believes everyone other than his own race is against him: the Asians have taken his child's place at college because they study harder, the Mexicans have taken his job because they've outclassed him in price and work habit.  And lastly, perhaps worst of all, he believes that whenever something bad happens between black people and white people in the national news, the black people are innocent, and the white people, whose minds he cannot read, are racists.  Oh -- I've forgotten to mention something.  This racist neighbor is black.

Monday, December 8, 2014

Hitler's art and functional alcoholism

Dear Hannah,

Walk through any bookstore in the United States, find the history section, shuffle your way toward "Germany," and you'll be treated to almost nothing but information about the Nazis.  It shouldn't be too surprising why.  Most of the Protestants I know aren't concerned enough about their own religion to think heroes like Martin Luther are interesting, and Hitler was the most exciting supervillain to have happened only yesterday.  Aside from these two periods, and maybe World War 1 and the invasion of Rome by the Goths, the rest of German history is a gigantic void to Americans. 

Sunday, December 7, 2014

The cheerful worker



Dear Hannah,

I don’t care what people say — I refuse to believe that a man who’s a drag at work is a good man in whole.  Eight hours a day are spent at work, at the very least; eight hours are spent at home, and eight hours are spent sleeping — at least, if a man is sensible enough to get himself some sleep.  Work may only be a third of a man’s entire day, but it is half of his waking hours, and if a man’s a drag to be around for half a day, I say he’s entirely bad — especially if that’s the only portion of the day I see him.

Saturday, October 25, 2014

Concerning Rick Grimes's beard

Dear Hannah,

I've been watching the Walking Dead for a few weeks now, and aside from the constant tension between pity and practicality, one thing that's stuck out to me is the development (or undevelopment) of Rick Grimes' personal appearance.  At the beginning he was a perfectly good-looking man -- clean-shaved, hair cut close, fit as can be.  You could say he was an ideal American in both way and form.  But then all of a sudden he grew his beard and hair a little longer and now he looks like a mess.  From an artistic perspective, having him look like a mess may have been a good idea.  People have a way of getting messy looking when they're in a mess; as Rick's emotional state continues to plummet, his physical appearance follows right behind him. 

Monday, October 20, 2014

In defense of something I said at dinner last night

Dear Hannah,

You were too young to remember, but there was one time when my parents took us out to dinner, and everything was going fine until I opened my mouth.  I have a tendency to do this; sometimes I've been thinking about something for a long time, and when I end up speaking about it, I forget to explain it, and then I look like a monster.  I suppose next time, I should make sure to explain it.  Better yet, I should keep my mouth shut.

Saturday, October 18, 2014

The Devil's Christianity

Dear Hannah,

It might be prudent to confess, before getting too far along with this essay, that I have nothing against Pope Francis except his politics.  It isn't that he's rude or selfish or uninspiring; anyone with half a brain knows that Pope Francis is one of the kindest and most exciting public figures we've had in a while.  I simply have a problem with him saying horrible things, like that he knows many good Communists.

Monday, October 13, 2014

How to safely be a heretic

Dear Hannah,

The other day I was accosted by the first militant Jew I've ever met.  I've heard of militant Jews for years now; the ones in wide-brimmed hats and ridiculous curls who go around "shaming" people for turning on light switches and spitting on the Sabbath.  I've lived long enough now to know that it's always better to meet religious people before making judgments about them: I heard terrible things about the Mormons for years, and then I found out they were some of the greatest neighbors in the world (at least, they are in Seattle).  But anyone who thinks he's morally superior for not eating shrimp or wearing polyester is already too unbearable for my taste. Thankfully, I'm not alone.  Jesus seems to have agreed with me. 

Saturday, October 4, 2014

On Calvinism

Dear Hannah,

I don't remember ever directly encountering the 5 Points of Calvinism in Calvin's Institutes of the Christian Religion, but here they are, in case you aren't sure you remember them.

Total Depravity
Unconditional Election
Limited Atonement
Irresistible Grace
Perseverance of the Saints

They mean, in essence,
1) That from the second you're born, you're in a position of damnation
2) That God chose you to be saved regardless of anything you'd ever do
3) That God only chose some of us, and then damned the rest
4) That you don't have a choice in your salvation
5) That once you're saved, you'll always be saved

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

How to avoid tv dinners and a lonely death

Dear Hannah,

I'm sure you've heard me tell you about the way your great grandpa Don died, but I want to remind you about him because I think the story proves something a lot of people forget.  We can all theorize about ways we'd like to live; history reminds us that others have tried things and ended up a certain way.  And however much we loved him, your great grandpa was certainly such a case.

Thursday, September 18, 2014

On an untimely death (classic essay, reprinted)

Dear Hannah,

One of the most strange and backward things a person could say is that another person’s death was untimely.  Of course, there's really only one timely time for a person to die, and that is when he does.  All other times are incredibly out of place.

But words don't always mean what they appear to mean, and if phrases may be symbols for other things which we actually mean, it seems more reasonable to translate untimely with we were not expecting him to die at this time, something which is still strange to say.  And it's strange because it insists that what we expect of reality is that it curbs to our expectations, which is really the opposite of the truth: our very survival teaches us that our expectations must curb to meet reality, or we will end up dying.

Of course, the reality of the matter is that we may die at any time, and that living life without a healthy and sober view of death is something someone should only do if he considers his life unimportant: in other words, it's the mindset he should embrace if he wants to live his life without any care or concern for his soul, or without any urgency in love and selflessness.  To live as though we have time has nothing to do with whether we do; it has to do with pretending something other than that we don’t.

The Christian knows there's a better way to think about this whole scenario, and that a sensible position on the matter contains multiple axioms.  The first is that God has put eternity in man’s heart, as the Preacher says, which means (in a roundabout way) that we are inclined toward thinking about living as though we can live forever.  The second is that God has appointed a time for us to die, and that we have nothing to do with averting His will (Matthew 10:29).  And if these two statements may be taken in combination, the Christian can only come to to conclusion that man’s most natural tendency is to delude himself about a death which is inevitable, so that he can do things which should be considered avoidable.  And if we are to live Christian lives, and enter into our Father’s presence hearing that well done, thou good and faithful servant, we must teach ourselves and one another, with a healthy dose of history and Scripture, that however long we think we will live, that we are going to die — and that it is likely sooner than we think.

Your father,
-J

Monday, September 8, 2014

On menstruation

Dear Hannah,

I'm absolutely certain that it was my anthropology professor who told me that in certain bushman cultures, a menstruating woman is put into a hut until she stops menstruating.  What I'm not certain about is whether quarantining a menstruating woman is a good idea.

Sunday, August 31, 2014

What kind of men are we?

Dear Hannah,

One of the strangest periods of Roman history was the period right before the republic collapsed and became an empire.  The Romans weren't known for losing, but during this period, they lost nearly everything they put their hands to.  Catiline nearly overthrew the republic by rallying profligates, whoremongers, and drunken hipsters under the flag of rapacity.  A Numidian king named Jugurtha practically walked into the Senate, bribed a bunch of senators, and caused them to overlook his hostile foreign policy -- which cost a friendly kingdom its ruin; and pirates practically owned the seas, so that all sea trade had practically stopped.  Nothing was fought for, everything was bought.  Money, and not honor, was the currency; safety was lost for safety's sake. Jugurtha was told by the Romans themselves that everything was for sale in Rome, and he proved them right.  Rome itself was plunder until Pompey arrived and in a moment of manliness and decision cleared the seas of pirates; the republic was lost to Catiline until Cicero shouted like an angry patriot and placed his own life in danger to save it.  Rome was bought until Metellus and Marius arrived, denying the bribes of Jugurtha, and actually decided to stand by their friends.