Letters to Hannah

Rogue philosophy at its (almost) finest

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Nerds with guns

August 08, 2019

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In defense of transgenders in sports

Dear T-, So far from being against transgenders in women's sports I'm for it. If possible I'd like for all sports to be integrated immediately. For too long leftists have been telling us the sexes were equal . Then a 230lb beefcake named Hannah Mouncey grew his hair out and started trouncing the women at handball. Fallon Fox joined the MMA and beat the "ladies" to a bloody pulp. Mack Beggs became a female wrestler, God bless him, and choke-held the girls until all of them cried uncle. All of them weirdos, and all of them heroes.

On an ancient custom of the Babylonians

Dear M, Montaigne once said he could find something attractive on nearly any woman, but this is far too upbeat for me. Amy Schumer had great legs, but who wants to think too much about them? They're attached to Amy Schumer; and the package deal is too painful to really be called a deal -- it has all the qualities of the bargain bin. You buy the legs and you've bought the mouth.

The kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these

Dear Hannah, The best targets for swindlers are the youngest and the oldest; and the oldest prove it because they're the best at fooling themselves. We know this because we asked a bunch of hundred year-olds how they got to be a hundred and got a hundred different answers. One woman said it was garlic. Another one said it was wine. Others said not drinking wine and others said walks and none of them said medicine; and what we concluded is that a hundred year-old survives to a hundred by dumb luck. There's no real science to survival and our survivors have proved it. They were all shooting blind and got bullseyes; and the people who gave us good answers are all buried.

Two weeks (a short history of your smug *sshole neighbor)

Afternoon there, neighbor! There's a new disease in town and I wanted you to know about it. It gives the chills and sweats and headaches and fevers and diarrhea and a cough and it can kill you. Not a cold or a flu, but a new thing. It can kill most of us it turns out. Very dangerous. We're going to have to lock you down, in fact. For your well-being. Two weeks is all we ask to flatten this curve. What's a curve? Funny you ask. It's when too many people get put into the hospital. We just want to slow the numbers. Whittle them down a bit. Lock you out of work and church and play for two weeks. Totally worth it, we promise.

Random early morning thoughts

Dear S, Some random thoughts for you this morning, well before sunrise. 1) There are two kinds of perfect people. The first, a person who does what's "right" all the time, is a figment of the imagination and never existed anywhere, and in fact can't exist anywhere. The second is a person you look at, at that moment, and wouldn't change a thing. I know none of the first and lots of the second.

For the love of God, stand up for yourselves!

Dear readers, How do you feel in the third week of black lives mattering? That is, now that your white friends and fellow churchgoers, parents and coworkers, siblings and grandparents, lovers and spouses, your friendly neighborhood policemen, your founding fathers and saints, your ancestors and your children have all been mercilessly kicked, slandered, threatened, in many cases surrounded and violently beaten -- now that the police who protect you in major cities have been defunded; now that your businesses have been looted; now that Merriam-Webster says it's impossible to be racist to white people ; now that you've been called names, made fun of all over Facebook and Twitter, told you're a problem because of your skin color; that you don't deserve what you have; that you're a robber and an oppressor; that you have it easier than millionaire celebrities like Don Lemon and Lebron James ; that the future doesn't belong to you; that no matter how many black square

Why "liberal" means "left-winger"

Dear T, Two of my heroes are Mises and Ayn Rand , but for several reasons I could never consider myself a full-blown libertarian. First off is the fact that you can and should legislate morality, and in fact every libertarian without exception does . All government is an extension of moral ideas. He won't prosecute you for stealing a wife, but he'll put you in jail for stealing a loaf; and beyond this he'll do the same thing for murder, and fraud, and kidnapping, and assault -- all of them moral issues, and 100% featured in the book of Deuteronomy.

Your body, my choice

Dear M, I never actually believed in my body, my choice -- not only because it was invented to dissect someone else's body, but because it was never legal to jerk off in public. I've seen people try and it ends badly, whether or not the person is famous; and at most the saying only applies to women. For men, my body, my choice goes until a woman hears or sees you and then it's over -- for instance, until she hears you say let's make a baby at work when you're ugly . Was her body affected? No. But then your body can't go back to Target.

Downfall of a hope merchant

Dear M, $600,000 was found in the bathroom walls of Lakewood Church this week. Seven years ago they filed an insurance claim for the same amount getting stolen and this year a plumber found it in the wall. This doesn't mean Joel Osteen did it; but even if he did, it isn't the largest scam in the history of the church itself, and from my view it may even be the smallest.

Tying the knot and finding a mistress

Dear H, Tolstoy says in Anna Karenina that the Russians were having a sexual revolution. It was actually more like a marital revolution, but I say "sexual" because in Christendom, as in most places around the world, sex and marriage are inseparable, and the rules for having sex change wildly once you start messing with weddings.

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