Letters to Hannah

Dear Hannah, My current position on bums is shifting from "downtrodden children of God" to "round 'em up and gas 'em" -- a change I blame on the city of Seattle. It used to be that the homeless were just a sore on the lip of society; but Seattle has taken the worst parables of Jesus and actually made a religion out of them, and now if you aren't willing to throw everything away for the bums you're an outcast and a heretic. That's why I loathe them like the prophets of Ba'al, and every panhandler to me represents not just a failure of chemicals in the brain, or a refusal to get his act together, or a crime spree in waiting or a drug habit in action, but a whole code of ethics I hate for its enforcement -- not even really the bum , but the thing that he stands for . A robbery in progress. Some smug liberal's ticket to heaven on my back. An endless tide of sermons with no actual payout, other than a fuzzy feeling and a fitting in wi

I've moved to Substack

Dear reader, After years of getting shadowbanned by Facebook and Twitter I've moved to Substack. My views have already gotten better, and I'm looking forward to seeing you there. The link is https://lettersofj.substack.com . Yours, -J P.S. The app seems to be pretty good too, and allows you to follow lots of great writers pretty easily.

Two weeks (a short history of your smug *sshole neighbor)

Afternoon there, neighbor! There's a new disease in town and I wanted you to know about it. It gives the chills and sweats and headaches and fevers and diarrhea and a cough and it can kill you. Not a cold or a flu, but a new thing. It can kill most of us it turns out. Very dangerous. We're going to have to lock you down, in fact. For your well-being. Two weeks is all we ask to flatten this curve. What's a curve? Funny you ask. It's when too many people get put into the hospital. We just want to slow the numbers. Whittle them down a bit. Lock you out of work and church and play for two weeks. Totally worth it, we promise.

Nerds with guns

Dear T-. My position on breeding is as follows: I'm for it. Not for everyone, but definitely for me, and ultimately in excess . I think this is the position most honest and healthy men have at heart; and the idea that everyone should have one wife is a nice idea and a safe idea -- but certainly not a fun idea. The problem with polygamy lies in what you'd do with the other men. You get one Solomon and 999 guys are left horny and angry and jealous -- and what do you do with the majority of your women? Sure they're all yours; but are they really? Do you really have the time to sweet-talk and caress all of them enough to make them really love you? And can you keep enough of an eye on them to bar them from the other 999 horn-dogs? Too much work if you ask me.

On finding a church

Dear M, I tend to have a problem with authority. Not generally with my boss (why argue with a paycheck?) or the police ( why end up in jail? ), but with anyone who tells me what to think. I could swallow anyone's opinion if the reasons behind it seem good, and in fact I do: it makes little difference to me when or where or who it comes from. But if I have to accept it based not on the delivery but on the delivery boy, I probably won't accept it. Not from my parents, not from a pastor, not from a President, and not from the Pope* -- although I might fake it if I have to .

For the love of God, stand up for yourselves!

Dear readers, How do you feel in the third week of black lives mattering? That is, now that your white friends and fellow churchgoers, parents and coworkers, siblings and grandparents, lovers and spouses, your friendly neighborhood policemen, your founding fathers and saints, your ancestors and your children have all been mercilessly kicked, slandered, threatened, in many cases surrounded and violently beaten -- now that the police who protect you in major cities have been defunded; now that your businesses have been looted; now that Merriam-Webster says it's impossible to be racist to white people ; now that you've been called names, made fun of all over Facebook and Twitter, told you're a problem because of your skin color; that you don't deserve what you have; that you're a robber and an oppressor; that you have it easier than millionaire celebrities like Don Lemon and Lebron James ; that the future doesn't belong to you; that no matter how many black square

How to abort yourself

Dear H, A while back I knew a man who prayed for children. So far as I'm aware not even to get children, but to make a new man of himself. His theory was that the more children he had the more he'd develop his character, and in the act of procreation he was creating a new version of himself -- more patient, and kind, and giving, and in general more Christian. He'd create something out of his body and the end product would be the Fruit of the Spirit.

What exactly is culture?

Dear M, Yesterday I met a man from Mumbai. He happened to mention that he was new to Idaho, so I asked how new, and it turned out he'd only been here a month and a half. He spoke good English, and I learned he'd gone to an English-speaking school, which made his getting a job here in Idaho possible*.

Our problem with the presidency

Dear M, Paul Johnson says, in his biography of Washington, that in 1789, the only monarch with powers as wide as the President's was the czar. All the other ones were hemmed in by regulations. Johnson doesn't go too far into detail about it; but why take his word when we can see it right in front of us? In the last eight years we found the President can put grown men into little girls' locker rooms; that he can pay enemy states hundreds of billions in ransom cash; that he can flood our states with millions of Africans and Middle-Easterners; that he can make or unmake the border at whim; that he can grant citizenship to illegal aliens; that he can pardon scores of drug dealers; that he can veto almost every bill; that he can station troops in any town; that he can put off the payment of payroll taxes; that he can effectively bribe the unemployed with hundreds of dollars a week; that he can bomb people in countries we're not at war with; that he can spy on the next pre

How to keep your man

Dear ladies, I've been married for over a decade now, and married successfully, I think -- at least successfully enough to give some tips to some of you sub-par ladies out there who got married recently (or are getting married soon) because the dating pool is drying up and you can't keep wrecking homes. Some people will tell you marriage is an art form, but they're wrong. It's a science, and if you follow these universal, time-tested principles to not make your man hate you, you can stay married, which is one of the two necessary prerequisites, alongside being a good Republican, to get into heaven. These principles are as follows: 1) Never be a stinky wife.

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