Saturday, September 26, 2015

Obama the Christian radical

Dear Hannah,

Jesus Christ is frustrating because we're never really sure whether to take Him literally.  It might be argued that He was never meant to be taken practically, and that a good portion of His sermons were meant to make us humble.  It could be that after all the talk about poking your own eyes out what He was really trying to prove is that being perfect is beyond us -- and if you attempt it even suicidal.  The Sermon on the Mount may not even be about behavior.  For all we know, it may be an attempt to get us to cry "uncle."

Monday, September 21, 2015


Dear Hannah,

Sarah Silverman said a short while ago that comedians have to change with the times and accept political correctness.  I agree with her 100%.  In fact I woke up this morning to check my Facebook and asked myself what day it was, and when I figured it out it was the twenty-first of September, I told myself I'd have what everyone else is having.

Thursday, September 17, 2015

Why Republicans deserve Obamacare

Dear Hannah,

I was delighted to find in the New York Times that our hospitals are beginning to consider their expenses.  It's nice to finally have some company.  I've been wondering what my expenses are ever since I moved out of my parents' house, and I've been keeping records of it in red and black ink because I don't want to end up in the streets.

Thursday, September 10, 2015

You can't both be a Christian and be a Christian

Dear Hannah,

Spend any significant time reading the Bible, and you're sure to have encountered a certain saying -- that not many wise were called to be Christians.

We have reason to believe that Paul was being serious when he said it.  Not only because the majority of the epistles were written to people who misunderstood everything about Christianity (I refer the reader to the Book of 1 Corinthians), but because even after two-thousand years of reading the epistles, many Christians -- idiots, I insist -- have difficulty understanding that Christianity and killing children are mutually incompatible.

Thursday, September 3, 2015

Miley Cyrus and the post-gender generation

Dear Hannah,

Solomon was never meant to be taken literally, but generally.  And when he says there is nothing new under the sun, we're almost led to believe him entirely -- if it hadn't been for Chevy and the internet and America.  About the rest of it he was right.  You can always expect the best and worst out of humanity, because the loves and hates of human nature have always been the same, which leads us to do the same things we've always done.  And if he was right about anything in particular, it was about the recurring existence of Miley Cyrus.