Saturday, December 19, 2015

The skeptic's prayer

Dear Hannah,

A long time ago, I heard a story about an English skeptic.  He went into battle and was overheard praying
Dear God, if there is a God, save my soul, if I have a soul.
Nothing more accurately sums up skepticism than this -- especially not our modern skeptics.  Our modern skeptics are actually fundamentalists in disguise.  They have very real beliefs about controversial things, and they call themselves skeptics because it gives everyone the impression that they're still thinking hard about them.  In reality they've mostly made their minds up, and so have joined the ranks of the conservatives who want to change everything, the liberals who don't like liberty, the socialists who won't nationalize production, and the Christians who ignore Christ's teachings.  The skeptic's name means something, exactly like everyone else's.  It means something it isn't supposed to mean.  It most usually is a code for atheist.

Monday, December 7, 2015

Why we love our guns

Dear Hannah,

Black people are almost the only people in the United States with any history of being enslaved, and almost all of them belong to the party working desperately to rush us back into slavery.  It's a masterstroke of irony fit only for fiction.  The one thing every free man's got to have is the one thing they openly wish they hadn't got.

Sunday, December 6, 2015

Concerning nude photos of Amy Schumer

Dear Hannah,

The important fact to begin with is that I'd never heard of the Pirelli calendar until it became too terrible to ignore.  Now all of a sudden Pirelli is the only calendar -- because until now I've never known anybody who was interested in talking about calendars.  Yesterday calendars were for little kids and the elderly; today they're the talk of the town, like every other thing we took for granted that's suddenly gone horribly wrong (I refer especially to our public bathrooms). What Pirelli is -- who Pirelli is -- why Pirelli is, isn't the question.  What's wrong with Pirelli is the question.  Feminism is the answer.