Dear Hannah,
The important fact to begin with is that I'd never heard of the
Pirelli calendar until it became too terrible to ignore. Now all of a
sudden Pirelli is the only calendar -- because until now I've never known
anybody who was interested in talking about calendars. Yesterday
calendars were for little kids and the elderly; today they're the talk of the
town, like every other thing we took for granted that's suddenly gone horribly
wrong (I refer especially to our bathrooms). What Pirelli is -- who Pirelli is
-- why Pirelli is, is not the question. What's wrong with
Pirelli is the question. Feminism is the answer.
The problem is that Pirelli has given us pictures of women known for
everything but their pictures. And the things the women are known for
aren't even really impressive -- even for the underachievers
known as our feminists. You'll see a large and muscular black woman,
the scourge of balls both inanimate and dangling. You'll see Annie
Leibovitz outdo a man -- in a total disregard for taste in clothing.
You'll even find Yoko Ono, famous for the notable achievements of screeching like a stuck pig and
ruining the Beatles.
But in the middle of a calendar that does almost nothing to remind us about
anything we love about women, we run into a blonde, neither obese nor muscular,
but healthy; neither gorgeous nor ugly, but average; neither clothed like a
jock or Humphrey Bogart, but naked. She's the only one with any
business in a calendar*, and she's the primary target of most of the
complaints. Amy Schumer is the only woman in the calendar with anything
positive to offer, and she's the only one taking a beating for her
deficiencies.
The complaints came from men who'd apparently never had any experience with
actual naked women -- angry conservatives, mostly, who probably grew up getting
their kicks from porn instead of play. The truth is that Schumer is a
beacon of hope in a dreary calendar of depressing pictures. She's silly
and she's normal and she's naked. Men have often asked for more and never
gotten it. In this case we never asked for it and got it. In this
case we got worse than what we wanted, and we got a single thing that wasn't
horrible; which is exactly the same thing we chose to complain about.
Schumer is the one woman who most women can identify with, and the kind who
most men have already had sex with. She's an icon of the average; and by
picking a fight with her we've picked a fight with every other healthy woman --
which is another way of saying that we've chosen to lose.
This isn't to say that our calendars should fail to attempt the
extraordinary. The average in women may be acceptable, but the average is
our daily life. Calendars (like pornography) are for fantasy.
But whichever direction we go, we have no reason to be threatened by the idealistic wankery of the feminists. If men are more
interested in pictures of Amy Schumer instead of the plastic, airbrushed
unrealities of Playboy, then someone will make more calendars of healthy women
and everyone will be happier. If men are interested in something better,
then calendars of Schumer (like Playboy) will cease to be sold. So long
as we're free to choose, we'll choose what we prefer; and so long as we choose
what we prefer, the most appealing pictures will continue to be sold. We
worry that Pirelli's terrible calendars are the future. And they will be
in the future -- in our antique sales of historical eccentricities.
Calendars of Yoko Ono will only exist as anomalies and freak
"microaggressions" against the beautiful and the artistic. The
market will ensure they're only sold to aging feminists and collectors of
oddities on Ebay.
There is on the other hand an argument that's difficult to resist. The
world which has been dominated by men (and probably because we know the
difference between good and horrible calendars) has built a hundred thousand
statues and painted innumerable portraits of men known for everything but their
appearance. The question feminists have asked us is why
we treat women any differently. We answer that they'll receive
the same treatment when they give us someone as admirable as George Washington
or Cicero. We answer that we have Hamilton on the ten-dollar bill because
Hamilton wrote the Federalist and made America. But most of all we should
answer with a statue of Ayn Rand, who
would have been man enough to have taken one look at this Godless calendar,
and responded in the only respectable way a tasteful woman could. And
that is by recognizing it as a terrible insult to the dignity of womankind, and
tearing it to shreds.
Your father,
-J
P.S. There are two more things I'd like to add which didn't fit too
well with the rest of the essay, but are worth mentioning nonetheless.
The first is that the greatest tragedy of Pirelli's calendar isn't the
loss of a tasteful calendar (if indeed it was ever really tasteful), but the
loss of Italy itself. Italy had one thing to offer the world, and it was
their worldliness. Had the calendar come from England I wouldn't have
worried at all, because England is lost and has been lost for a long time.
But when it comes from Italy, we know Western Civilization is in greater
danger than we ever could have imagined. What will Italy offer the world,
if not their taste? Who can stand up to the frumpery of feminism, if not
the Italians? Pirelli believes they are offering the world their tires.
What they are doing is offering the world our tired and useless
women. All is lost when Italy becomes ugly. There is nowhere to
hide when even the Italians are pushing pictures of Yoko Ono.
Secondly, there's another kind of compromise we could have on the issue of
calendars, and it goes the opposite direction Pirelli decided to take.
Instead of showing the world women who never did anything for men, we
could start showing pictures of men who never did anything for women. I
would begin with naked pictures of Meatloaf; maybe Perez Hilton in a striking
kimono; or an AIDS-infected Magic Johnson in an over-sized banana-hammock.
This is what women are asking of us. Perhaps it's time for us to
start asking it of them. This is the idea I've had recently. My
other one was that we ought to send feminists nude paintings of George
Washington.
*My apologies to the
woman in the picture with the baby, who remains a notable exception.
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