Hannah and Papa J

Hannah and Papa J

Thursday, July 14, 2016

Officially the worst wedding speech I have ever given in a dream

Dear Hannah,

As the title has already given you an idea of what this is about, here is the speech which I actually gave about ten minutes ago in my dream:


"Hello, everyone.  As some of you know, I'm partially for and partially against this wedding -- yes, please pass that vodka up this way, Tom.  *swigs*  Anyhow, as some of you may not have already heard, I've learned from my doctor that I may be dying.  Yes, I hear you laughing out there, Tom, and let me clarify: we're all dying, and I may be dying a little sooner than the rest of you.  My doctor said this disease -- no, this 'condition' I have is very likely to kill me off soon, and my reasoning behind this wedding is that I don't want to leave my wife and children without any kind of financial support.  I hear Tom mentioning life insurance in the back, there -- well, the disease ruins all of that; so, here we are.

"The most of you know that I don't agree with everything in the Bible, but one thing I do agree with very strongly is that brothers and sisters should never be married, which comprises my against portion of this speech.  My wife's brother has agreed to step forward and take responsibility for her and my child in the event of my death; something which I'm sure you're aware the Bible permits us cousins for -- that and for fun.  *muffled laughter*  Anyhow, here he is.  Thank you for the gifts and for showing up and supporting her, but I'm still here and I don't plan on leaving until anything kills me.  For those of you who are still judging her, yes.  *man speaking in rear*  Yes, I'll let him speak.

*man stands up and gives account of Kenny Chesney concert*

"See, there you have it; people are doing these things all over America.  Thanks again for coming, and especially to Tom for bringing the frozen pizza rolls.  *muffled laughter*.  I'm serious, they're right over there still in the box.  God bless you all, and God bless America."

Your father,
-J

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