Hannah and Papa J

Hannah and Papa J

Saturday, May 30, 2015

Amy Schumer, champion of feminine jealousy

Dear Hannah,

One of the great tragedies of the modern era is that the people who are champions of women know the least about what women can do.  It doesn't help that the champions most oftentimes are women; and it doesn't help because if there's anything degrading to the intelligence of women, it is bands of women demanding ridiculous things of men.  In marriage, we call this sort of thing nagging.  In the world of socio-political philosophy, we call it feminism.

I bring this up because Salon Magazine has gotten a very large crush on Amy Schumer for a list of very bad reasons -- most recently, their approval of her attacks on better looking women.  Nobody realizes this is her target, of course, because Schumer's  done something none of the ugly women ever thought of doing.   And that is to sidestep the obviousness of calling the prettier woman ugly, and call the men ugly for thinking she's prettier.

We admit, if nothing else, that this makes her approach brilliant.  By shifting the issue from the woman to the man, she makes attraction an issue of equality instead of taste, and makes her rejection stem from man's "unfairness" instead of a female rival's superiority.  By sleight of hand, she takes every element of leftist envy -- the rich against poor and black against white and men against women -- and channels it into the timeless rivalry between romantic competitors.

But there's a major problem with her problem.  Aside from the fact that she argues against the wildest ethos of the age, that attraction between two consenting adults is an almost (one might say) unalienable right, nobody so far as I'm aware has ever asked Amy what the alternative to favoring younger or prettier women would be.  Nobody has ever proposed that beautiful women should date old men for any other reason than money or power (which they frequently choose to do); and nobody until now has ever asked virile men to prefer Babushka to Emily Blunt.  The only cure they can find for their jealousy is far worse than the disease.

Perhaps the most ironic aspect of their whole argument is that what we think of as the disease turns out to be our health.  For when we question whether it's right for a man to not feel a certain way about an aging or unattractive woman, the question we are really asking is whether a man should have a special place in his heart for the woman with a thick rear-end and a spring in her step.  And the answer, whatever fun Schumer makes of him, is that he should.  Not only because making love to old ladies makes young men want to throw up, but because our sexual selection is the health and fitness of our race.  If men preferred older or even middle-aged women to young, our children would end up crippled, or never even exist.  If we never called curves that precarious balance between bones and rolls, we would never escape between the malady of malnutrition and the infirmity of obesity.  The feminist's objection is ultimately not even to unfairness, but to survival; and it is founded not on her appreciation of morality, but, like so many of her other objections, upon her inability to recognize and accept a scientific reality. 

I admit a bit of sympathy for the Schumerites.  The fact that sexual selection manifests mostly in our feelings and least in our reason makes beauty terrifying.  And living in a democratic age, we've come to think that everyone should have a shot at everything; that if there's one man or woman in America who can't do what everyone else can do, that we've somehow failed as a society.  And then we find this strange thing called beauty -- this haphazardly distributed power that makes people say and do silly things -- which magnifies virtues and covers faults -- which someone is born into, and can't really be made; a thing magical, mysterious, and imperious -- undemocratic, unequal, and elitist.  And we realize with or without serious consideration that we're nearly helpless against it.

I also sympathize because a woman's relations to beauty make her especially jealous of it.  If she's born with less of it, she spends her youth watching other women play games with men's hearts and overriding their minds, driving them to do stupid and reckless things, stealing attention without any merit other than accident.  If she's born with more of it, she has a feeling -- deep within her, whether acknowledged or otherwise -- that someday this uncontrollable force will leave her and belong to someone else.  And caught between the jealousy and the dread lies a hopeful and enchanted creature called Man.  For the battle over beauty is really a battle for man's affections; and the truth is that if these feminists are angry, they are only angry because they love and need great men.  But they are too proud to admit it, and so they pretend like all the other frustrated lovers that men are really only evil for not loving them.  

In a hypothetical universe where feminists weren't Puritanical enough to censure our most natural and beautiful affections, they might have recognized a very old and special institution designed for man's, woman's, and child's mutual benefit.  We ask ourselves, if attraction is capricious and undeniable, and age and death are impending and unavoidable, whether Someone might be able to invent something that defends a woman against a constant deluge of rivals, enthroning a solitary queen in a special kingdom.  Or maybe one in which, if a woman's appearance eventually lost sway over her partner's heart, she might be able to keep his love with lifelong intimacy and a perpetual show of good character.  We might suggest that such an institution would be perfect for everything a woman needs; perfect to utilize her youth, cognizant of her inevitable decline, catering both to her hopes and her fears.  But feminists have decided that chastity and modesty and marriage are prejudicial to womankind, and so they've decided to grow old in a market of strangers, against an endless tide of increasingly superior competitors, where mere moments of attraction reign supreme, and true and lifelong love is left for antiquated people like Christians.

It should be admitted here that each of us fears death and our inevitable decline into it.  But fear, as Samuel Johnson once wrote, is implanted in us as a preservative from evil; [and] its duty, like that of other passions, is not to overbear reason, but to assist it. The problem isn't that feminists fear age -- it is that they've let the fear of age overcome their reason, and thrown away the only romantic solution while trying to overcome the insurmountable.  The solution is marriage and the continual development of the qualities suitable to it.  The insurmountable is the feeling any healthy man experiences whenever he encounters a beautiful young woman. 

Your father,

PS: You might be interested in knowing that your mother hated this essay.  And to be completely honest, I was reluctant to write it.  But male reluctance is a common theme in the modern age, when men are constantly compelled to debunk and reject the constant stream of egalitarian falsehoods propagated by women on Facebook; a debunking which results in our being called cruel.  I would never be the kind of man to go out and call a woman ugly, or bring up the fact that she's too old to make me feel the way she used to -- I wouldn't even call an enemy ugly, even if I couldn't stand looking at her face, simply because there might be a good woman out there who looks like her.  And this is why men have to be tough.  Not even because toughness means fighting against evil men, but because toughness means taking stands against people who support horrible things because they are too nice.  On the one hand, I have the villains; and on the other, I have warm-hearted women.  I can blame the former for being too strong.  The latter I blame for being too weak.

Your mother is upset because she's taken the familiarly female position that if woman A is physically outclassed by woman B, this means means a total negation of A's beauty.  This is unfair for several reasons, but most notably because a woman can be less beautiful than someone else without being ugly.  And on a side note, if anyone brings up the argument that Hollywood and dating sites force women to lie about their age, entirely circumventing the issue of how a woman presently looks -- which appears at first glance to confirm the theory that an intellectual, and not a physiological bias, lurks behind the selection of younger women -- I would argue that a younger age is a better guarantee that a woman will continue to remain beautiful for a longer time.  If anything, man's acceptance of a smaller number is proof that men are instinctively interested in long-term relationships, and not a sign of male depravity.  But enough on Schumer and female jealousy.  Go find a decent husband before you get old.